What If I Push THIS Button?

[dr_pretentious]

Gareth has started experimenting with elements of our bedtime ritual, trying to find a way to derail it so he won't get left alone in his crib to sleep. It's sort of like that classic preschooler routine--one more glass of water, one more story, I want Daddy to read it, no I want Mommy to read it, time to rearrange my teddy bears, etc.--only his machinations are entirely nonverbal. I sympathize with his project. I prefer to stay up late, myself, and I don't much care for sleeping alone, but my sleep disorder and chronic pain are less problematic without a baby in my bed, and I'm hoping to help him avoid developing a sleep disorder, so into the crib he goes, promptly, at eight o'clock.

First he started objecting to his pajamas. Even the pajama song, which used to make him giggle, no longer reconciles him to changing for the night. (What pajama song? Dan and I filked up a version of Bob Marley's "Jammin'" into a five verse ode to jammies. Bet you can't get that riff out of your head now.)

Then Gareth went on a Goodnight Moon strike. It had always been the last book we'd read to him before bed, and he seemed to think that if he could just prevent us from reading it, he'd get to stay up. He burst into tears at the sight of that familiar green cover. When I didn't catch on and tried to read it for comfort, he reached over to close it, then pushed it away. So we put different books in the last-story position for a while, offering him Goodnight Moon every few days and not forcing the issue. When refusing Goodnight Moon for over a week didn't result in getting to stay up all night, Gareth went right back to liking it, even looking for it, for his last story.

This week he's refusing his last feeding. Boy, has that made for a cranky couple of nights. He seems to be catching on that this won't work, either. I wonder what's next.

I've been reading a lot of developmental psychology this year, so I've filled my head with milestones and critical periods, multiple intelligences, all that stuff. So far, none of the child development books I've read has anything to say about ritual. Maybe I'm not seeing it because I still think about it through the ritual theory branch of religious studies, and the developmental psychology people are thinking in terms of, say, event sequences or something. A Google search yields lots of hits about obsessive-compulsive disorder, but what I'm curious about is normal ritual behavior. I'd really like to know how kids develop an awareness of ritual, how they learn to think about it and in it. Surely someone is doing that research.

Comments

[shakti-lemaris.livejournal.com]

"I sympathize with his project."
(laughing) You are the best mom *ever.*

[violet-moon25.livejournal.com]

A lot of child development stuff I have read talks about rituals and routines being useful in child rearing, especially for toddlers. Most sources agree that little kids like the security of knowing what happens next. Also, exhausted parents can do the same thing out of habit which requires less conscious thought (but the conscious thought is needed for not creating a routine without a big downside).

I did read at least one book that had a strong emphasis on creating family rituals and traditions. The title might have been The Intentional Family but I'm not completely sure. I may find it around here if I look.

Also, our bedtime routine has been meeting with resistance as well, but it's more procrastinating and less experimenting.

[jeneralist.livejournal.com]

"Routine" may be a better word to search for. "Ritual" has all those religious connotations that make True Scientists (TM) break out in hives.

(Anthropologists like the word "ritual." They can't be in the club.)

[siobhra.livejournal.com]

The next FSG should be interesting. The two of you will have to sing the pajama song in the evening as WE dress for bed.
We will not let you get off.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

Kids just LOVE to push your buttons. This is how they learn. Routines are important, but every child will do whatever he or she can to screw them up---just to see what will happen. How you react ids more what they want to see---they are interacting with you on the only level they can at the moment.

Go with the flow---but my advice is to be firm when it IS bedtime. As a parent, you are the one drawing the boundaries until the child is mature enough to do that for themselkves. This doesn't happen until they are in their twenties---so prepare for a long time of thinking (if not actually SAYING) "Because I'm the Mommy, and I said so!"

Seriously---children want boundaries and rules. It helps them to define their world, and gives them safe places. They will push against the boundaries and rules, because they need to see what will happen if they do, and tghey wilkl learn how to react by watching your reactions. Stay flexible, allow some "wiggle room" for your boundaries and rules---but not too much!---and keep loose. Each child presents their own unique challenge to a parent, and nothing that you can read in a book will prepare you for your own little challenger. Books can give you ideas---but the child will be the one to really teach you about children.

I had four of my own little challengers. As adults, they continue to present me with ways to learn about them---and myself. It's been a bumpy, scary, wonderful ride---and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Good luck, many hugs, and lots of blessings!

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

Remember that Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times"? I developed one of my own when A was about Gareth's age - "May you have intelligent [children]" (actually it was "daughters" but once I had a son, I changed it).

Because you have a smart kid, he has sensed the rhythm to his life, the sequence of events. I suspect he's testing for cause & effect. First we do A,B and C then I go to bed. What if we don't do C? Okay, now what if we don't do B? Change the sequence, change the precursor, does the effect still take place? He's testing for causation. Once he realized that Goodnight Moon didn't cause bedtime, he reverted to his original position on the subject (approval).

For us, this was a challenging thing to deal with because all the books talk about how repetition and routine were good and soothing and good for kids and we had kids who thwarted routine at every turn. We tried stories, we tried lullabies, we tried baths, we tried many many things. And once A figured out that X, Y or Z came before bed, she fought (hard) against it. Maybe because we were panicked and exhausted (she didn't sleep well in the night in addition to not going down easily except for nursing to sleep), we didn't show your patience, adaptability and persistance.

But even so, eventually my kids learned that routines didn't cause events and so they stopped trying to disrupt the routines and learned to enjoy them. Try putting them to bed without stories these days - horror!!

But now that we are doing new and full moon circles at the house, sweeping is considered boring and dreary - now that we've had them do it a couple of times asking them to sweep now gets a huff and a "But I do it every time" response instead of enthusiasm. We've stopped doing it (since we're circling in our yard we focus less on prepping the space). Seems my kids are still routine-averse in their own ways!

Aaah, I remember that.

[amushink.livejournal.com]

I remember a point at which I calligraphed and hung upon the wall a copy of Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" and would read it to weeping small Noa nightly as she fought sleep and all things associated with it.

And Thursday she'll turn thirteen.

I have no scholarly opinion to offer regarding ritual and childrearing. But IMHO as a mom, it is important. Ritual is comforting, it is reliable. Friends who have no such thing as bedtime in their houses, no bath/book/backrub that reliably begins at seven, seem crankier. Both the kids and the parents.

[leapfaith.livejournal.com]

I think the book was, indeed,
The Intentional Family.

However, I'm not sure that it is aimed at children as young as Gareth. I like the thesis that your child is simply exploring the nature of bedtime and causation. I predict that as soon as Gareth discovers that he can escape bedtime by turning 18, he will declare himself an adult (hey, I tried it).

[reikirock.livejournal.com]

I think at the Bardic Circle is the place to be...!

[violet-moon25.livejournal.com]

No, the book in question was aimed at families with older kids. It was a lot about creating and modifying family traditions.

But it is nice to have the continuity of family traditions that go back as far as children remember. Similarly it provides a sense of connectedness to have family traditions that go back multiple generations. For example my great uncle died earlier this year (he was in his 80's) and his funeral was in the same church where he was baptized, confirmed, married and where his children were baptized. While I don't belong to the same church or religion I could easily see that the continuity was reassuring to my grandmother, great aunt and other relatives. It seems that these days many people lack that kind of continuity and connectedness (to family, ethnic background, religion or whatever else). If creating family traditions and rituals can balance that out, help kids form a stronger sense of identity and help them avoid the large cultural cracks in our society then I think it is a good thing to be doing as a parent. Okay, putting away my soapbox now.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I have my moments, good and bad.

Wish I could have seen you while you were in Jersey. Next time for sure, dammit!

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Why not? Every Yule, people press us to sing the Impalalalalala song.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

You've put your finger on my problem exactly. The book I REALLY want to read...

How to describe it?

If the book were a person, it would be the love child of Jean Piaget and Victor Turner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Turner), raised by Oliver Sachs by means of an open adoption brokered by Richard Schechner (http://books.google.com/books?as_auth=Richard+Schechner).

Another way to describe my doomed quest would be to say I want to read the life's work I produced in the alternate universe where, instead of leaving academia to write fiction, I stayed in academia and kept my familiar collection of obsessions but left literary and religious studies to get a second doctorate in developmental psychology.

I suspect the book I want to read doesn't exist, but this time that doesn't mean I have to go write it myself.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

When we're at home, we're firm about bedtime. It's harder when we're guests elsewhere, but we usually find ways to hit close to the 8pm mark even in very odd circumstances. How we get there is subject to some trial and error on both sides.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Gareth came with a mellow temperament all on his own. If I wanted to give an example of what people mean by the theological concept of grace, I would point to Gareth's temperament: it's not a reward for or consequence of any virtue or course of action on our part as parents. It just is. He makes it really easy to show patience, adaptability, and persistence--he responds really well to even small doses of those qualities, and doesn't exhaust them. Even when he's trying to thwart our parenting, he's pretty sweet about it.

Re: Aaah, I remember that.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Thirteen?! Whenever I think of her, I picture her in her flower girl dress from your wedding. Next time I blink, you'll be sending her off to college.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

We could do a medley of our silly parenting songs. Our greatest hits are the pajama song, the car seat song, and the monster-dog toy song, but by the time FSG rolls around, we'll probably have several more.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

The book looks promising, though what I'm really hoping for is kind of scientific study that's likely to turn up in its bibliography.

I tried declaring myself an adult, too. When I was four years old, I threw a tantrum that remains infamous in the lore of my extended family. I'm told I stomped my little feet and yelled, "I am not a child!"

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

We worked hard to come up with a bedtime ritual that we would usually do with a division of parental labor, but that either one of us would be able to do alone. So far, when I've had late tutoring gigs or Dan's been out of town helping his father, Gareth has still been able to get to sleep.

[violet-moon25.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a really interesting book to write! But then I was tempted to pursue a degree in developmental psych before deciding that counseling was more practical.