Well-Meaning People Who Only Want The Best For Us

[dr_pretentious]

Three things I've heard from a lot of people have been sticking in my craw, and I've only just figured out why. By a lot of people, I mean dozens and dozens, so if you've said any of these things, you're in good, even beloved, company. I just need to vent a little.



Thing One: "If a Kid Is Old Enough to Ask to Nurse, He's Too Old to Nurse."

People love saying this, regardless of whether they've ever nursed, or even ever had a kid. What is the appeal of this aphorism? I haven't figured that part out yet.

It's Kafkaesque, when you think about it. The instant you can make your desire known, that's reason enough in itself for your desire to be denied, not just now, but for the rest of your life. Wow. That could make a kid passive-aggressive, couldn't it?

I suspect a lot of the people who love saying Thing One don't realize how early some kids are able to communicate. The range of normal for saying a first word is incredibly broad. Gareth spoke his first word at seven months, and made his first approximation of an ASL sign at five months, yet the pesky American Academy of Pediatrics persists in urging mothers to nurse for a full year, and the hippy-crunchy-terminally-unfashionable World Health Organization promotes nursing for two years. What could all those doctors be thinking? Don't they know their mere research can't possibly stand up to the persuasive force of a catchy aphorism?

Thing Two: "What Babies Really Want Is Independence."

This one is projection.

Babies are not independent. They're just not.

It would be way more convenient for adults if babies didn't need our attention, our work, our goodwill, and all the rest, in order to survive. As much as I love and enjoy my son, I think it would be really nice if he didn't need quite so much from me. But there's a big leap from saying, "I wish my infant (who can't walk, feed himself, control his excretions, or string together more than three memes at a time) were independent," to, "My infant's greatest need is to be independent, so if I help him with anything, I'm really hurting him."

Defensiveness is part of the human condition. I feel defensive about the time I left Gareth sleeping in the middle of my bed and looked away for a moment, and then he rolled onto the floor with a terrifying thump. Sooner or later that kind of thing happens to every parent, and we all feel crappy about it. Fending off the crappy feeling by labeling protective behaviors as sick obstacles to infant independence may make us feel better momentarily about our own shortcomings, but it doesn't have any bearing on the real needs of children.

When people tell me that offering Gareth my hand to hold while he's learning to walk is overprotective, I wonder what would satisfy them. If I left him alone on a hillside in the forest for the night, would that be enough of an opportunity to exercise his independence? Would I be a hip enough parent then?


Thing Three: "You're Considering Homeschooling? You Can't Be Serious! How Will He Get Well Socialized If You Don't Send Him To School?!"

Going to school doesn't guarantee successful socialization. I went to public schools, and I was a walking cautionary tale until I got to college. Come to think of it, most of my favorite people could say the same about themselves.

Being trapped all day in a classroom with 30 people the same age as ourselves and only one adult, an adult whose primary form of interaction with us was crowd control, turns out not to be much like the adult lives we were supposedly preparing for. Being homeschooled does not mean spending 18 years sitting at the kitchen table with no one to talk to but your blood relatives--that this is what most non-homeschoolers assume homeschooling is like says more about how our educations limited our imagination than it says about homeschooling.

Comments

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'd say any of those things.

I also may be one of the only people you know who wasn't seriously messed up by going to school. If I'd been homeschooled by my mom? Hooooo, boy. I can only think of how rough that would have been for me. (Which is NOT an argument against you homeschooling Gareth, just a comment on my own situation.)

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I do know a few people who thrived in public schools. My sister had a great time socially, though her undiagnosed dyslexia made academics tricky. I know a few people who went to private schools that sound truly extraordinary. Thank goodness not everybody has as bad a time in school as I did. I wouldn't wish my experience on anybody.

And yeah, some parents are not cut out for homeschooling, even when they're excellent about other things.

Part of the reason I think homeschooling could work is that the things my parents taught me in the time left over around my schooling were so much broader, deeper, and better presented, entirely by accident, than most of the formal instruction I got. We might all have driven each other crazy if we'd attempted homeschooling, but I'd be a far more learned person now if I'd spent all those school hours with my parents instead.

lol

[gwisteria.livejournal.com]

I have witnessed a four month old use asl to sign for "milk" so I think that is just people afraid to be embarassed.
Independance is what teenagers and senior citizens want not babies.
I wanted so badly to nurse and to home school but it was not in the cards for me or Luci, so here are my srguments for.... when you homeschool you can teach at the time of day best for your child, you can leave the confines of a room with no notice and teach under a tree and field trips take on a whole new meaning. And it doesn't hurt that you and D are both smarter then dirt and talented to boot.

Re: lol

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

The authors of the baby sign language book I like best, Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert, propose the term "developmentally appropriate control" as a more accurate way to name the thing people call "independence." A kid who's learning to eat solid food wants to control the food going into his mouth, and that's an accomplishment. It's important for a parent to respect it. But it's not independence that the kid is pursuing.

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

1. Don't you know that your boobs are dirty? They're only really there for sex. This whole thing about breasts being used to FEED your offspring is gross. Babies need the milk produced by cows to turn their calves into 500lb cows in one year. If you persist in breast-feeding, you are a perverted, unnatural, exhibitionist, child-abusing freak. Also, I recommend implants. Clearly you need reminding what boobage is all about.

2. Don't be ridiculous. He's manipulating you into doing things for him. He's actually perfectly capable of being independent - why, only the other day, he was seen driving a car, working all day, and coming home and chucking corn on the BBQ. I hate to break it to you, but he has a wife and kids in Perth Amboy. You clingy mothers - you never see what's right in front of you. Honestly, it's all about you, isn't it?.

3. Clearly, you are turning into a rabid fundamentalist Christian and conspiracy theorist. Only mad people homeschool their kids, and the children all turn out warped and twisty. Why, just look at how uniformly sociable, confident, thoughtful, and at ease with diversity America's children are. Why do you hate America?

I am so disappointed in you.

[evilbunny.livejournal.com]

*smooch* Thank you for my morning laugh.

[purpledice.livejournal.com]

About Thing Three: THANK YOU. Most of school was hell for me, as well, and I still don't trust anyone between the ages of 10 and 19. It is embedded in my brain that Adolescents And Teenagers Are Evil. They're manipulative and cruel and...never mind. Anyway, all my friends and boyfriends have insisted that going through all that is "normal" and "healthy", you learn to socialize and deal with people and blah blah blah.

Of course, I always point out Emma, our handyman's daughter, who was homeschooled and now spends most of her time in other countries doing everything she can to help the less fortunate. She also teaches yoga classes and does stiltwalking for children when she's home. Poor little social outcast, doesn't know how to interact with others....right.

All three Things sound like the junk people spout to make themselves fit in with "Normal Society". What's best for you and your baby is what works for you and your baby, and screw the psychobabble bullshit.

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

In British universities (I have no idea about the US), you have lectures that everyone doing the course attends. You are split up into smaller seminar groups (5-10 people) which meet weekly with a lecturer who sets your course work based on the lectures and the seminars. In the seminar groups I attended were 2 homeschooled kids. They were the most engaged, the most at ease with asking an adult in authority questions and asking for clarification, asking for private meetings to ascertain progress or discuss difficulties, and most likely to get consistently high scores. British secondary education does not prepare kids for university, never mind the wider non-academic world.

[jeneralist.livejournal.com]

Another vote for homeschooling, if it's done right. The best years of my elementary education were when I was (involuntarily) home-schooled.

[OK, so I was too sick to go to school, and had a tutor come to the house -- that's homeschooling, right?]

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

Me too!

[theunveiling.livejournal.com]

The last one royally pisses me off. I was TORTURED on a daily basis at school and it really messed with my psyche. I'd much rather expose my child to well-meaning, intelligent people than some of the pond scum you find in a public school setting.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

And the main way to avoid being one of the tortured kids in most schools is to cast your lot with the torturers. I wouldn't want my kid to spend years playing the villain OR the victim, but those are the roles available. The few classmates I had who managed to avoid playing either part were memorable for their rarity. To this day, I'm not sure how they pulled it off.

Pardon the edit. The flaw in that first sentence kept me up last night. It's like there's a Law of Conservation of Insomnia or something--now that Gareth's not waking me up, something else has to.

[cthulhia]

(some of us are still cautionary tales 20 years after high school.)

as to point 1: when your 2 year old and 5 year old are both still allowed to nurse, it's fucking creepy. Especially when it was implied that the main reason the mom did it was because nursing caused the weight-loss she'd been struggling with her entire life.

as to point 2: I suspect that people's fear of someone becoming a helicopter parent. Re-evaluate your parental hovering at every milestone; walking, schooling, first cell phone, first video game, driving, college, first marriage, etc. What kids want varies with age and personality changes.

as to point 3: My issues with homeschooling have little to do with how it affects the homeschooled kids, but more how the loss, of tax revenue and intellectually passionate families, in public school affect the kids who don't have the homeschool option.

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

"when your 2 year old and 5 year old are both still allowed to nurse, it's fucking creepy. "

That's because we are, for the first time in human history, not used to seeing it. It's purely cultural.

"My issues with homeschooling have little to do with how it affects the homeschooled kids, but more how the loss, of tax revenue and intellectually passionate families, in public school affect the kids who don't have the homeschool option. "

Where families are not supportive of education and intellectual curiosity, how can we support the kids (and even the parents) in developing those skills? Is state education AS IT EXISTS serving the best interests of these kids? I tend to believe that a radical overhaul is necessary there, upping the teacher-pupil ratio, concentrating on critical thinking and engaging with the kids - and that means spending heavily, which is next to godless communism in many Americans' books. I'd never before heard the argument that "my taxes shouldn't go to fund other peoples' educations". I was floored. But is homeschooling actually impacting on this in any significant way?

[louiseroho.livejournal.com]

FYI, nursing for the first year has been shown to give significant health boost to the child. Nursing for the second year also gives significant health boost to you in the form of less chance of breast, cervical and ovarian cancer. It seems ovulating and menstruating is bad for your health and since the more you nurse the less you do those things the better it is for you and your reproductive parts.

http://parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bbreastfeed/0,,3x71,00.html

So, nurse until you cannot nurse anymore.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Wow, huh. I disagree on all fronts. My only concern with homeschooling is if the parents aren't totalling in on it, and it becomes less about teaching the kid and more about just keeping the kid busy. (I knew someone who, once her parents were done homeschooling her older sister, they continued to "homeschool" her. However, they let her choose the curriculum, so she had NO academic lessons after the equivalent of her freshman year in high school).

My niece is homeschooled, in girl scouts (just finished her Gold Award (for senior GS), earned the Silver Award as a Cadette, and the Bronze as a junior. She teaches fitness classes at the gym on base at Ingleside, as well. She dives and studies marine mammals in her spare time. She goes to ren faires and hangs out with her friends. Heck, she even has a boyfriend. She's been homeschooled since she was 10. I think she's pretty well rounded.

As for the others, Pshaw! If a kid can ask to nurse, and you're still nursing, that is YOUR choice. I'd have nursed longer (I nursed about 18 months) if I hadn't been trying for another child, and you can't do fertility treatments while nursing. And babies want independence? No. My toddler wants a little - but he's clear about when he wants it. He doesn't always get it, and he usually wants me around to at least see what he's doing, but yeah.

Ick.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I'd probably feel differently about homeschooling if I weren't a teacher. It would just be weird for me to teach other people's kids so that I could afford to live in a good school district or pay tuition for a private school so that my kid could be taught by strangers. I love my students, but not like I love my son. If Gareth goes to school, he'll have some teachers who care about their students, too, but not like I care about him. Why should I not give my best efforts, which are pretty darn good, to the child whose happiness and success are more important to me than any other's?

I'd like to nurse for two years, but we'd like to have a second child, too. After the 8 years it took us to have Gareth, we're predicting fertility treatments next time around, too, and I'm old enough, I don't have all the time in the world. We'll probably start tapering off after his first birthday, but I'll miss it. And if there never is a second child, I'll regret not having given Gareth longer.

[evilbunny.livejournal.com]

Joy. I can't imagine my reaction if/when I start hearing these things. (Except, of course, the breastfeeding one, but that's another story, as you know.) zenbeer and I have talked about homeschooling, and if we're in a financial position for one of us to be able to take the time to do so, we probably will. Alternatively, we might do some type of collective schooling.

Well meaning but interfering people. *sigh*

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Collective schooling, to varying degrees, seems to be the way most homeschooling families make sure their kids get a broad curriculum, and one of the ways they build socializing into their kids' days. The trick is to find people you're happy to have your kids learn from and with. At least if you're homeschooling, you get to choose the company you keep.

[evaelisabeth.livejournal.com]

One of my favorite comments on a homeschooling board I'm on is

"I want my child to be social not socialized"

I so so so want to make homeschooling work for Kate, can you imagine the amount of stress, boredom and anxiety she will avoid if she never has to set foot in school.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I want my child to be social not socialized.

There's another sentence that should be in a counted cross-stitch sampler hanging on a nursery wall.

Jumping on the Homeschooling Bandwagon

[catpaw67.livejournal.com]

I am seriously considering homeschooling R once she gets to high school. I found a fantastic Montessori elementary school I want to send her to, assuming the money works (which I expect it to). But it only goes to 8th grade. And if it turns out to not be a good fit, I'll re-orient myself to homeschooling her sooner. I loved my public school experience, up until my senior year, but schools have changed and I think they've changed for the worse.

I have heard that Mim from MN is doing a Sunday school for the local pagan kids up there, and I'd love to get her to share her curriculum. I'd love to start doing collective schooling on the pagan side of things with the other pagan parents in the area. I will probably test the waters with an email in the next several months. Yes, I know the babes in arms won't be ready for this for a while.

Re: Jumping on the Homeschooling Bandwagon

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I'd be very interested in this, as much so the kids could hang out and play together as so that they could learn stuff. Schedule permitting, we would totally trek out to Turtle Hill for that.

[skyefyr.livejournal.com]

Thing One - My original goal was to nurse Beth for a minimum of 1 year, and take a nice leisurely 6 mos or so to wean her. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way. My response to that comment used to be, well thank you for your advice, you can use it with your child. I'll take care of mine my way.

Thing Two - Children want a secure, safe and comfortable environment to explore their independance. They also like knowing a loving caretaker is nearby when they get frustrated or want help.

Thing Three - There are lots of organizations out there for homeschooling parents where they meet in groups and do things as groups, and the kids get (in my opinion) more quality socialization than in school. There are lots of parents overseeing behaviour and teaching proper behaviour instead of one adult with 30 kids (and the adult can never seem to keep the bullies from picking on others.)

I have met your son. I think from what I've read here of his progress, and what I've seen during the (too few) occasions when I've been in his company that you are doing a wonderful job. Continue to follow your heart and gut. He will end up growing up to be as amazing a person as his parents are.

[citabria]

I think you're right about point 2, and that's where the misunderstanding occurs. Yes, even toddlers *do* want to exercise their independence in the sense that they want to crawl or walk wherever and whenever they want, they want to choose the toys they play with, etc. But those situations don't happen by themselves -- there need to be parents there to guide those interactions, even if the parents aren't controlling what's happening. And, sometimes, kids -- even teenagers -- *do* need someone to control and set limits. It's part of creating "secure, safe and comfortable." You put that so well!

[citabria]

I'll admit that the idea of homeschooling scares me, but for a lot of different reasons.

Yes, socialization *can* be an issue if the parents don't create opportunities for the kid to interact with other kids hir own age. Obviously, though, that's something that a thoughtful parent can address.

I worry more about ... well, since I'm not quite sure how to put this, I'll address it from my own perspective, as if I were the homeschooling parent in question.

There were subjects I loved, and subjects that I just tolerated. Yes, the latter could have been due, in part, to how the subject was taught -- but even if it was, I know that I'd be likely to react to it the same way now. I'd be concerned that, if I homeshooled a child, I'd shortchange hir in those areas that I didn't like. Yes, I'd *try* to cover it and even teach it well, but I'd still be concerned about my own shortcomings and limited vision.

I'd be worried about other things, like making sure to teach at an appropriate pace, etc. I'd be worried both about going too quickly (and eventually run out of things I'd be competent to teach) and too slowly (if the child had problems with things, or if I was having trouble conveying them properly).

I'd be worried that I wouldn't be aware enough to call in outside help (or be able to afford it) when it was needed.

And finally ... I'm worried that I'd go nuts. It may sound horrible, but for most parents I know there's a certain sense of relief when a child goes to school. It means that, for the first time in four or five years, the parent can have some down time -- or at least some uninterrupted time to run errands and get things done around the house. I don't know that I could exist for that many years without having time to myself.

Anyway, since you brought up homeschooling I thought I'd share!

[tigira.livejournal.com]

My brother and sister-in-law have managed to avoid the "favorite subject" and "hated subject" by a couple of methods.

First, the teach one subject at a time. My niece doesn't have chemistry in the morning, and calculus in the afternoon. She has chemistry for 3-4 weeks, and the next subject for X weeks, until she completes them. She learns the subjects more thoroughly, and whoever is doing the teaching learns more about them, too. (Actually for her calculus and physics classes, she goes to the local high school, now. There are just some things my brother wasn't good at).

The other method is that if there is a subject that one hated and the other tolerated better, the one that has the better background in that subject teaches it. The result is that, until this year, my brother has done all of her math and science, and a lot of her geography. My sis-in-law does the history, other social sciences, and English. My niece did a Rosetta course for her language requirement. She has plans to go to a good school, and could likely test out of more than one foreign language, now.

[thecrimsony.livejournal.com]

I have a 9 year old son and 5 year old daughter we're adopting out of the state foster system. They were given so much "independence" as babies (i.e. left sitting alone in a crib or car seat, not fed or changed regularly) that they (and their siblings) were taken away from their mother. Additionally, the boy was so affected (more years of that neglect) that the BEST thing for him now, both in a social and educational sense, will be to homeschool him as soon as we can. All that "independence" he got when he was young was quite enough and he wants nothing more than to be taken care of, hugged, and watched over constantly.

And yet, people still try to tell me, not advise me, not suggest things to me, but TELL me how he should be handled. They like nothing better than to label him (he came with an ADHD diagnosis which is so very off the mark) and shelve him away with the other "special" kids. Unless you're his doctor, therapist, or social worker, back off.


Whew, sorry for the mini-rant. :p

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

A fine mini-rant it is. Those kids need someone who can be a lion in their defense. Congratulations on the adoptions. I know you've been working toward them for a long time.

[kjlj.livejournal.com]

My son went to public school in Seattle, one of 44 children in a classroom where 28 languages were spoken. He did not learn to read until he was 15 (so much for me not hovering much) and only then because he'd seen a SF movie he loved and he wanted to read the book.

It turns out he has a crazy form of dyslexia and we had to hire a special tutor for him to 'learn how to learn'. I was completely fooled by his ability to act as if he could read. He's bright and verbal, so I just assumed everything was okay. No one from the school system noticed there was any problem, either.

So, I am a big fan of homeschooling.

Oh, and on Things 1 and 2 - I nursed until the babies were ready to stop, which I took to be when they started biting instead of eating. Their feet barely touched the ground when I was around, until after they started crawling and walking, and even then I held them a lot.

I think they turned out okay - one is studying to be a watchmaker and has lots of friends. The other just got out of the Army after ten years and is studying in the Native American program at Evergreen State College. She has even more friends.

The third child died of a brain tumor when he was three. In retrospect, I was glad for all the time I got to spend holding him when he was alive.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

My sister has a weird form of dyslexia that didn't get diagnosed until she was in college. She was able to fake her way through everything until her sophomore year, and then the reading load just got too heavy. Her college had her classified as legally blind so she could get free audio versions of all her textbooks from the Library of Congress.

All that ear training and memory training she got while she was faking has come in handy. These days, she's a litigator, the queen of the cross-examination, because she has a perfect recall of what witnesses say on the stand.

I'm sure there will be a lot of things I'll wish I'd done differently, but holding my son a lot will probably not be one of them.

[ingridsummers.livejournal.com]

I can't really add anything to what others have said. I do know it's a hard balancing act both as a parent and an observer. How to be a parent and get advice when you want it and how to give gentle advice to a new parent? What I have learned is it's all about the asking. If I want adivce, I'll ask you. I won't give any unless asked.

Of course, if I'm in the presence of your kid and he or she is in danger or obnoxious I'll step in, gently, but I do. Thus, kids who visit my house will be asked not to jump on the furniture, must ask to be excused from the dinner table AND I do steal chupa's from kids more than about 6 months old. I really don't like seeing children old enough to talk doing so around the chupa. If you child needs it for comfort, use it only when they need comforting. Off my soapbox now.

Enjoy your son. Enjoy the breastfeeding. I was actually sorry to stop when PG was 2 (I went on toxic meds.)

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I learned a new word today! Now I know both an innocent and, thanks to Google, not-so-innocent definition for chupa.

We seem to have lucked out in the pacifier department. Gareth just never took to them. He's always preferred drinking from a cup over a bottle, so there's another habit we won't have to break him of later. It's no special virtue or strategy on our part, just his quirky preferences.

If Gareth is ever in danger or obnoxious around you, please feel free to step in.

[happy-dr-friend.livejournal.com]

Point 1: Geez, the kid's only 9 months old! People are after you to wean already? I at least got a year before people started asking when Critter was going to wean. The answer turned out to be "In another 2 years or so."

Point 2: You'll know when he wants independence. Or rather, he'll NO when he wants independence.

Point 3: Homeschooling. If it feels good, do it. If it stops feeling good, for you or for G, stop doing it.

You know what you're doing and all advice you're being given should be taken if it is helpful and taken to the garbage if it is not.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I feel kind of churlish for finding these three points so annoying, because I have asked a lot of people for a lot of advice, and most of it has been helpful. Some of it has been indispensable. These three bits, we've never asked for, and in many instances they've come from childless people we would never have thought to ask about this stuff, or even from strangers. It's just weird.

[garybart.livejournal.com]

The home-schooling question is, I suspect, very complicated. I bet there's a ton of research on it. But my guess would be that the costs/benefits of schooling versus homeschooling are _heavily_ affected by the child's temperament, and even other factors. I sympathize with many of the other folks here who hated school. I had a crap time for a lot of it too, being a shy kid with ears that stuck out almost perpendicular to my head. I got teased constantly about that, and didn't cope very well. (I had an operation in my early teens to 'pin them back'.) So homeschooling might have worked well for me. But there might also be other children who would benefit more from being around other children all day. I seem to recall from college Psych classes that children who got sent to daycare often ended up better socialized than ones who didn't. But it's certainly annoying for you that you're getting people inflicting their opinions on you, especially when those opinions are probably based on a whole heap of nothing. In the end the decision is yours, and this may be one of those situations where there's no obvious or univocal 'right' answer. There's just what you guys feel is best for Gareth.

[shakti-lemaris.livejournal.com]

It seems that everyone has an opinion when they know someone with a child, whether they're experienced with children or not. I'm astounded by the stories I hear from my friends who are parents concerning the critiques they get. No one is spared. You're handling it with grace. I'd be baring my teeth at anyone who tried.

[leapfaith.livejournal.com]

I like your analysis on point 1, but being male and slightly fixated, I'm not sure my opinion has much objective validity.

Point Three, homeschooling, can be fabulous, if done right. I think the biggest unspoken issue is that if it goes wrong, you can't blame anyone else. If a public school scion turns sociopathic or weird (horrors!) or neurotic or incompetent, well it could be the parents, or the socialization, or the teachers, or whatnot. If homeschooling goes wrong, everyone knows exactly where to point their fingers.

As to point two, I imagine that any baby would be happier if she or he never got hungry. Appetite, eating for fun, ok, but no discomfort. So, I'll say that babies and children do want Perfect Independence. That not being available, go with what works. If you err on the side of helping little, then when rebelliousness rolls in, your child will probably rebel in the direction of demanding attention and affection, while if you err on the side of helping, your child will be at the barricades demanding independence. Since I see unhappiness stemming from being fixated in either direction, I'd say moderation within reason is your best bet.

[violet-moon25.livejournal.com]

Breastfeeding for 2 years seems normal to me because that was what my mom did.

As for independence...just because my 2 year old wants to try driving my car, jumping in the deep end of the pool or sprinting through Newark Airport doesn't mean I would consider letting him do these things.

Homeschooling is a complicated issue and depends quite a bit on the quality of the schools available and the temperments of the parents and child. I learned a lot in public school and don't have too many psychic scars. But I was sent to the school psychologist many times starting in kindergarten. I got my revenge though; now I am trained to do that job. Also I did so many standardized tests in grammar school that I was not the slightest bit intimidated by them by the time they counted in high school. The school eventually decided I was "gifted" not just weird. Public school provided many learning opportunities (just not the ones the teachers planned). My mother was known to say things like "You may be smarter than your teacher but you still have to get along with her for the rest of the year." "The best way to not get teased is not to show it bothers you" [easier said than done, so it is good to start practicing as early as possible] and the classic "If you can't take it, don't dish it out" [also about teasing. A few well placed comebacks can prevent years of teasing.] I suppose it depends on what you want you child to learn and how much control you want to have over it.