If In Doubt About Proper Attire

[dr_pretentious]

"Can I wear my pirate costume?"

It took me a moment to realize this was what my kid thought I meant about dressing up for a funeral.

Gareth was a good sport when I explained about suits and neckties and churches (Formal clothes will help Uncle Zach's mom know that he was important to us, and we think he was awesome). Though Gareth is barely three feet tall, he looks great in a suit, like he's ready to join my father and sister's law firm as their very junior partner.

The funeral went well, sort of. I mean, exactly as well as a funeral for a 37-year-old leaving behind a family can possibly go. The gathering of the tribes is always a good thing, even when it happens for sad reasons.

Now, about pirate costumes. (This is not a digression. Honest.)

While I was writing the first draft of the Big Book, I used to say anything could be improved by the addition of pirates. Somalia proved me wrong, so I've stopped saying that, but there are still a lot of things that can be improved by the addition of pirates. The Indian Ocean just turns out not to be one of them.

If you ever have occasion to attend my funeral with a small child in tow, and the small child wants to wear a costume, piratical or otherwise, that is completely okay with me.

The smart alecks among you--and that may be the majority of this blog's readers--will be asking, What if I want to wear a costume? You wouldn't be the first. My aunt assures me that if she's still around, she'll wear something out of her Halloween trunk. And that would be fine with me, too.

Really, as long as everybody's attire is street legal, it's all good. (Skyclad attendance is probably not a great idea. Some of my relatives would find nudity off-putting.)

Whatever we wear to a funeral is a costume, communicating something to someone, if only to ourselves. Gareth's tiny suit, my modest black, Reverend Steve's clerical vestments, all of that is more formal than what Gareth had in mind, but not so different in intent, marking an occasion with dress in the only way he'd experienced firsthand. Dress as a pirate, or as a mourner, whatever.

When the day comes (and decades far off may it be), I'll pop up my astral periscope from the Summerlands and look on with affection, regardless.

Comments

[purpledice.livejournal.com]

First off, your explanation for why formal clothes were required is wonderful, and a fine example of what a wonderful mother you are.

Second, would I happen to know this aunt? It sounds...familiar...

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Thank you. At the very least, it shows that I've spent a lot of time hanging out with anthropologists.

The Halloween trunk comment does sound like the kind of thing your mom would say, but in fact it was my father's sister. I don't know if you've met my Aunt Peg, but you'd like her. You should come to Forestport some July. You'd fit right in wit my dad's folks, and if you're road-tripping from the midwest back to your mom's place, it's not even much out of your way.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

Excellent explanation. My kiddo has worn a suit for similar reasons, but now believes anytime he wears something nicer than jeans and t-shirt or golf shirt he MUST wear his "fancy shoes," and any button down shirt requires a tie. The thing is - he loves dressing up like that.

He also loves dressing up as a pirate, a knight, Batman and a Power Ranger. People look at us weird when we go shopping with him in costume, but, really, I see no issue with it. Sometimes we feel more comfortable in our costumes.

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

WAIT A MINUTE. How do you two know each other?!?

[onyxtwilight.livejournal.com]

This is the moment when I usually yell "party trick!" >:-)

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Same branch of Wicca. How do you two know each other? Okay, Boston generally, but other than that?

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

If I were meeting your for the first time at the grocery store and saw your kid in a costume, my first thought would be, That's my kind of mom.

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this post. It led to a discussion between emdiar and I about what we wanted done with our bodies and our memorial services after we die. He wants a costume party.

there are still a lot of things that can be improved by the addition of pirates. The Indian Ocean just turns out not to be one of them.
Brilliant.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

That's a good conversation to have had. Not always fun while you're in it, but important.

There should be more costume parties in the world, just on general principle.

[slackerstalker.livejournal.com]

I hope someday to meet your kids. I love Gareth's way of thinking. Big hugs to you and yours in a - probably - surreal time for you all.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

I hope for that, too. They're fun people, more so all the time, and we'd love to see you next time we're all on the same side of the landmass.

The surreality is fading for us up here. It's still pretty thick down in Maryland. While preparing for the memorial service, we all kept having the impulse to phone Zach and ask his opinions about music and old photos.

[ingridsummers.livejournal.com]

Many blessings to you and your family. You also have my permission to wear whatever costume you wish to my memorial - actually, perhaps the more outrageous the better. I want to be known as someone who lived fully, well and loud. And, having said that I realize I have some work to do to make it happy.

Hugs!

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

That reminds me of the day sabrinamari got me to promise that I'd make sure her body was dressed provocatively for her funeral, and that the music would be the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magic, even if she died at age 90. One wants one's personal Samhain to have a trace of Beltane about it, for the survivors and for the memory of the life one had.

[jaime-sama.livejournal.com]

I am picturing a bunch of your fans, some of whom haven't been born yet, coming to your funeral cos-playing your characters from the Big Book.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

That would make a very merry wake, wouldn't it? Just for the record, I'd wholeheartedly approve.

[violet-moon25.livejournal.com]

The last funeral we went to was earlier this spring for a friend who was very energetic and full of life (she died suddenly and unexpectedly). A friend asked what to wear-black or colors. Her husband said all the colors of the rainbow. It was a wonderful, colorful memorial service and the crowd filled the church and spilled out the back door. That was a great tribute in itself.

I hope Zach was remembered well by all his loved ones, in full color. And I'd love to see how Gareth looked in his tiny suit.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

The church he grew up in held a mass for him, and they played all the music he'd most loved playing when he was in their music ensemble. If not in color, in surround sound, which was exactly his thing.

Shoes

[brucea.livejournal.com]

Zach's daughters (5 & 3) wore proper white dresses with large black polls dots with bright pink shoes. Little girls need color in their lives even on the most solemn day.

Re: Shoes

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Those were some deeply princessy shoes, and I was so glad the girls got to have things they'd like for the dress-up part of an otherwise very hard day.

Oh, and welcome to livejournal!

[puckmls.livejournal.com]

I have been way, way behind on reading LJ, but have finally caught up, and have read your recent postings about Zach ... I was so sorry to hear that he lost his battle in the end. Grrr!

Wishing you and your family peace.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm kind of behind on my own comment threads, too, as you can see. Keeping up with blogs, anyone's blogs, has been one of the casualties of parenthood.

[kistha.livejournal.com]

Much love to you and yours, and well, funerals are hard.

You are a wonderful mother, and I love hearing about Gareth. Also, see, toddlers are good for funerals.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

The kids were, indeed, a wonderful part of an otherwise hard day.

We're trying to make a trip to Seattle fit in our budget for late July. If we do make it to Karen's writing retreat, will you and dthon be around to catch up with? We had such a good time with you guys last time we came out west.

[happy-dr-friend.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about Zach. I hope the funeral, with or without pirate costumes, comforted in the way these rituals are meant to.

[dr-pretentious.livejournal.com]

As much as they can, they do.

He packed a lot of living into the two years between his diagnosis and his death. One thing that gives us all comfort is that the off-the-map treatment attempts he and his medical team came up with might help other people with cholangiocarcinoma buy more time.