Moo

[dr_pretentious]

On one hand, it's true what Dr. Spock said, that new parents know more than they think they do. On the other hand, there are some things about parenting that have to be learned, that instinct just doesn't take care of. You'd think that breastfeeding would be instinctual, since eating is, y'know, crucial to survival and all. Instead, breastfeeding turns out to be surprisingly difficult for most mothers and babies to learn. I really get, now, why a reasonable mother who knows all about the superiority of breastmilk might resort to formula feeding. But then, I'm the stubborn woman who didn't want to give up on an old-fashioned birth even after 34 hours of labor.

It's also true, what my mother has said for years, that motherhood turns breasts into just one more kind of baby gear, as utilitarian as a car safety seat or a stroller. "You'll think of them as baby gear," she said, "or udders, depending on the day. You'll never see cows the same way again."

Gareth is, in almost all ways, an easy baby. Guess what the exception is. Although my son and I are both within our respective ranges of normal, we have, shall we say, a hardware incompatibility between the structure of his mouth and the structure of my breasts. We spent many hours of our four recuperative days in the hospital in the most ridiculous tableau: I would try to wrangle my bosom while Dan tried to wrangle an increasingly hungry and anxious newborn, the hospital's lactation consultant tried to function as an interface between the two, and my mother stood by with a bottle of pumped breastmilk and a plastic spoon, with which we would periodically try to calm the baby down enough to try again to get him latched on. Ever tried to feed a frantic two-day-old baby with a spoon? If you want your clothes to look like a Jackson Pollock painting, it might be an activity to try. Otherwise, I can't recommend it.

Meanwhile, I kept up a cajoling monologue, trying to encourage Gareth to learn to eat. Cajoling monologues directed at newborns can get pretty goofy. "Who is Gareth's moo cow?" I found myself saying. "Mommy is! Mommy is Gareth's moo cow!"

Dan thought perhaps this was a sign of postpartum depression, until my sister called and left messages that consisted entirely of mooing. Pru married the scion of a Nebraska cattle ranching dynasty, so she's had many opportunities to perfect her heifer imitation. When my mother started greeting me by lowing like a Holstein, Dan finally caught on that he'd blundered into a family in-joke. "But I can't call you a moo cow," he said. "I just can't. You have a Ph.D., for chrissakes. You should at least be Dr. Moo Cow." So that's become one of his pet names for me. As in, when the baby is starting to fuss with hunger, "Dr. Moo Cow, you're late for your lecture."

Comments

[annathepiper]

Hee! Beautiful. This made me not only laugh out loud, but read the money paragraphs to solarbird. ^_^

[kjlj.livejournal.com]

Moo.
Here's hoping for a quick adjustment...

[louiseroho.livejournal.com]

"I'm hungry! I'm hungry! Why are you tring to stick that thing in my mouth? Can't you tell that I am hungry?"

It took at least a week for Will to get the hang of it. Once he did, he chomped my nipples raw. Lanolin gel will become your friend.

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

Your talents would be wasted to write a parenting or breastfeeding book but your way of describing things is priceless and would be a boon to preggos and new parents the world over. A friend of mine writes a bf book, blog & website - www.breastfeedingcafe.com Check it out and send her a note if you get inspired.

I'm glad that your family is supportive of your cow-ness (I never really felt the cow thing, tho' I get the analogy) and that you are sticking out the breastfeeding even though it is hard.

You rock.

This too shall pass.

I miss you guys!

*snort*

[oaktavia.livejournal.com]

ok Dr Moo Cow is hysterical.

makes me think of (not at all related) trying to explain mooing at cows while driving to Sabrina LOL

[vgnwtch.livejournal.com]

It does seem bizarre that mothers and babies seem to have such a hard time with something so completely necessary to a baby's survival. There has to be some arcane reason behind making it so bloody difficult. I have every confidence in Dr Moo and The Golden Calf.

[evaelisabeth.livejournal.com]

It took Kate two weeks to figure it out, you have my sympathy.

[happy-dr-friend.livejournal.com]

MOOOOOO! Good luck. It took Critter a few days to really get into it too: she didn't care for the colostrum, but once the serious milk came in she was into it. And continued to be into it for 3 years. It didn't help that I was dehydrated after her birth and so didn't make much milk for the first few days. We ended up giving her formula once and pedialyte a couple of times. She tolerated that when she was REALLY hungry, but then made it very clear that she wanted the real thing and only the real thing. Baby's first act of rebellion. Sniff.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

If all else fails, try a nipple shield. It saved my life (and my nipples) with my older son who was SO hungry that he became impatient and would just scream instead of relaxing and letting Mother Nature work her own magic. Once he started, it felt like he had razors on the ends of his gums! Wow, that hurt! So, the nipple shield was perfect---and lots of lanolin and singing and rocking....

It's hard, but so worth all the effort. Hugs for Dr. Moo Cow and Gareth-Calfling.

luci had such issues that......

[gwisteria.livejournal.com]

when luci was two days old we went the family gathering so i wasn't alone, sleep deprived and scared she was gonna starve......everryone was kind enough to take turns feeding her with an eye dropper and pumped milk which continued for about a week and then pumped for six weeks after that (my chest is inverted or something)but you guys sound like you are coming along and i am so glad for you and beth and i usedto joke about the "cow"feeling when we were hooked up to the pump and then luck would have it that E first word was MOO lol we laughed alot.

[(Anonymous)]

Nearly every new mother I've known has had this problem, and all have felt guilty about it--to which I say, you know, if it were easy for everyone then we wouldn't have invented bottles and formula in the first place. Either you and Gareth will sort it out (and you probably will!) or you will resort to some form of technological assistance and it's no one's fault either way. :)

[blackbear88.livejournal.com]

Oops, that was me. Stupid LJ.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

It took F three weeks to figure it out. In the meantime, I was a pumping fiend. M even taped over the bottles so I couldn't see how much I was pumping and stress about it (I was concerned I wouldn't have enough!)

Like you, my breasts and F's mouth had a mismatch. It balanced out, though.

It was funny, he FINALLY really latched on while M drove the last gramma to the airport. Really, they weren't even there yet. But the last gram left, and F got down to business.

Supposedly it's easier with the next one(s). Only one person has a learning curve, then.

[tigira.livejournal.com]

I forgot to mention - MOO!

[kistha.livejournal.com]

This is pretty funny - and I'm sure you guys will figure it out. I have much faith in your sheer stubbornness. :)

Reminds me of my nephew - they got to the age where they were doing farm animal sounds, and my Mom was showing me and then I got in the game and said:

"What sound do cows make?"

"NO!"

"Cows say Moo"

"No. I don't like cows."

Turns out he's not a big fan of cows. *LOL*

Good Luck Dr. Mooooooooooooo

I feel ya

[(Anonymous)]

I thought that breastfeeding thing would come 'naturally' too. After all, my cat did it with her kittens with no training or lactation consultant. It was a grueling process though at first.

Sometimes well-meaning family members just get in the way. Lactation consultant did help though.

My advice is that if you can get through the first two weeks, you can nurse that baby for his first two years... (if such is your desire). It'll get to be very easy, the sore breasts get toughened up. Eventually you will be able to do it standing on your head (or, my personal favorite: dead asleep in the middle of the night).

Re: I feel ya

[(Anonymous)]

Whoops,
I don't have a livejournal account. That was me (Anne) your once-upon-a-time Vassar roomie.

[puckmls.livejournal.com]

I can sympathize at one remove -- my sister had the same problem with her first child. It had more to do with the size and shape of her breasts than anything else. She couldn't cradle the baby in the traditional nursing position because he couldn't reach the nipple, so she wound up holding him on her forearm, with his head in her hand.

Hang in there!

[jaime-sama.livejournal.com]

Sorry you guys are having trouble!

But your sister's moo-ing phone messages cracked me up. :)

We coerced a couple of new acquaintances here in WA into playing Catan last weekend, and got them hooked. I gave one of them a cup of tea in the Shakespearian insult mug, with fond memories of you working your way through the entire mug of insults in a particularly heated Catan evening. heh heh.

E-I-E-I MOO! (regards from Andrew)

[violet-moon25.livejournal.com]

This is what Andrew has been saying lately when he wants me to sing Old McDonald with him (his favorite song). He is into learning animal sounds right now.

I do feel for you, Dr. Moo Cow. Best of luck on the continuing struggle. I felt like a cow on an industrial farm being hooked up to the double breast pump for 3 months. But I expect it will get easier. Some of the La Leche folks said it was easiest to nurse when the baby was starting to get hungry but not starving yet (but good luck catching that moment). Also, feeding a toddler from a spoon is an entirely different, but still messy experience (he only cooperates if it is something he _wants_ which is usually whatever I am eating or drinking).